Testamonial

My Mom used to always say, "If you really want something and if you work hard at it, you'll eventually get it." I'm not so sure that's true anymore. I can remember back to my senior year of high school. I thought I could do anything. At that time I thought I could I could become a filmmaker by starting out in photojournalism at U of I. I was going to find a girl to fall in love with. I wasn't sure how I'd reach my dreams, but I knew I would find a way eventually. I loved what I was doing, but shyness and the scenery change left me isolated. So much for the girlfriend part, heck so much for the regular friend part, but I was sure things would change on that front. Sophomore year that did, I made a bunch of amazing friends that I'm still very close with today. There was a change in focus sophomore year too. Instead of capturing the life of others on film, I decided I wanted to help people in the guise of being a doctor. Instead of writing, psychology and photography classes, I started taking chemistry, molecular biology and physics. The curriculum change was like night and day and the new classes didn't really interest me, but it was a means to an end. At the encouragement of some of my friends, I started dating this girl (my first and so far only girlfriend). I wasn't true to myself in the fact that I wasn't all that attracted to her, but I was(am) so damn lonely and I figured I'd give it a shot. I felt uncomfortable during the whole month we dated and basically wanted to get out of the whole thing, but couldn't. It was a deal where you really like someone as a friend and then when you start dating them, they're nothing like the person you were friends with. So I break things off and needless to say, whether it was a miscommunication (or lack thereof) even the friendship turned very bitter and died on the vine. I joke often about how I'm asexual or a eunuch, but the truth is, I really want someone to love and to love me back. I don't feel like a "catch" or that I'm desirable in any way. I've had many crushes over my time here, whether it was that certain RA or a classmate or Tina Fey, but I don't even pursue those relationships because 1. I feel like everyone is out of my league and 2. I don't want to rock the boat and make things akward with existing friendships. I'm honestly planning on being single 'cause of this stupid mental block. So meanwhile I get a job in surgery, love it and I want to be a doctor even more. It starts being pretty much the only thing my Dad is ever willing to talk to me about. Not only do I have the self imposed pressure to do good in school, but I now I have the expectations of my parents and co-workers to meet AND I really start to hate the MCB curriculum. I used to be able to do my work and do well in my classes. Now, it like do all the work twice, stay up all night studying for 3 nights before an exam and I still get Cs and Ds on MCB/Physics/Chem exams. Imagine growing up being regarded as "the smart kid" in grade school, not really having to work really hard to do well, then coming to college and doing the same thing in journalism and getting the same result. Then switch to MCB and have everything fall apart. For me it's confusing as hell and actually learning how to study has been a difficult and painful process. Long story short, I get kicked out of the university for a craptacular semester, but get back in after a plea to the dean. I hate my major with a passion, but I'm going to ride things out and finish in it. My hopes for med school are practically non-existant right now due to my less than stellar GPA. Last december when I found out about getting dropped, I literally shut down. I didn't leave my bed and it took my Dad to physically remove me from it. It took some soul seeking and swallowing of my pride, but I bit the bullet and decided that I needed help. After I was reinstated, I started getting treatment for depression. I still go once a week. I've been told I hide it pretty well, which I guess is true, but even when I seem like the life of the party, deep down, I feel like I'm broken. I don't think going to a counsulor helped me feel better about myself or about my future, but sometimes just talking about things is a relief (which is probably why this overlong post exists). You know, I'm really trying to have a positive outlook. I'm going to Mexico for medical aide with some really cool people this decemeber, which should be a real adventure. I'm (hopefully) going to graduate in may and after that, I have no real plans. I have said I'm going to go to grad school, but I'm often too depressed to fill out an application and everyone I ask for letters of recommendation seem to "forget" that I asked. I still really want to be a doctor, but I'm starting to ask myself, at what point does it become futile to keep trying? Oukast once said," that's the way the cracker crumbles, so I guess I have to rewrite my dreams." I'm just having a hard time of letting go of my dreams in favor of something else.