What am I doing up at 3 am? I don't even know. Insomnia has crept back into my life. I have to be completely exhausted before my body will even let me think about bed. My daily ritual is enduring this "pre-sleep" period by either staring at the walls or staring at banal web pages. Besides school work, i haven't really done anything this weekend. That's pretty much the case every weekend. I wanted to go to chicago. I wanted to visit old friends. I wanted to meet and get to know new people. A glass cage is keeping me from doing so. I fucking hate who I've become. I've sacrificed nearly all my passions to achieve a goal. That goal has disappeared before my eyes and I'm left with mostly nothing. No real zest for life, no real enjoyment and no real motivation. My academic situation has me stressed, but all I want to do is graduate and for some reason, I laugh at how shallow my desires are. Waking up after about 2 hours of sleep is hard. But even in the rare chances where I get 8 or even 14 hours of sleep, it's difficult to find a reason to get up out of bed. Finding the will to get work done is nearly nonexistant. For whatever reason, my mind needs a lot of time where I'm doing absolutely nothing and where I'm cut off from human contact. That's probably the opposite of what I need. I'm depressed all the fucking time anymore. It's not really a thing I do, but each time I talk to my parents on the phone or when I leave home, I have to choke back tears. Nearly everyone I know has found happiness or at least complacency and I'm banging my head against the wall because I just don't get it. I feel like those cursed pirates. I can force a smile and battle through it for only so long. I feel like I fail in so many important aspects of life and excel in all the trivial and stupid aspects. I don't really think I'm a good person and I know I'm a pretty bad friend, which tears me to shreds. I don't really know what to do. I've seen pretty much every councilor you can see on this campus and if anything they've made me feel worse about myself. I guess I'm just going to have to find a way to live with who I am until an alternative comes up.
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Jon, I don't give a shit what you say, you're one of the coolest guys I know. Stealing shit, watching you kick my ass at Smash Brothers, and repeatedly making fun of Stan are just three of the many activities in which I've seen personally just how great of a friend you are. Dude, you made junior year living at Allen bearable when I thought I was going to fucking go nuts from all those damn freshmen and the illustrious RA's often-over-the-top obnoxiousness (that Itzkowitz was/is a crazy guy).
From the time that we're little, the infamous "they" are fucking us over. They like to feed us the idea that we have to conform to certain levels of achievement. To gain a standardized level of so-called "success", we have to make a certain amount of money and our girlfriend has to be this perfect and so on...they try to tell us all this fucking bullshit that doesn't matter at all in the long run. I have a sign up in my room that tells me that my life is my own, and no one else's...quite frankly, I'm convinced it's the only intelligent thought I've had in my entire life.
In other words, FUCK SOCIETY AND THE FUCKING HORSE IT RODE IN ON. Don't you dare let it dictate how you live your life and what you want to be or do someday, otherwise you'll just keep finding yourself stuck in a rut because you wasted so much time wondering what other people wanted out of you and never what you wanted from yourself. To quote a Dr. Pepper commercial, "Be you, and do what you do."
I don't know if any of this has been helpful at all, but I gave it a shot. You've undoubtedly figured out who this is by now, and I'm here to talk to you if you want. But only if you do...I know how much of a lone wolf you can be at times. Later, bro.
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